It seems like all through my life. I have had positive times and negative times. In just about every period of my life, there has been some area of my life which was out of whack. Was life going well? There was that secret that I just hadn't bothered to tell others, because if they knew the area of sin, then they would think differently of me and maybe in a disappointing way.
Regardless of what that sin was at the specific time; it kept me from sharing with others the real me. Because, I couldn't handle their disapproval, nor the disapproval of God. That was a big one. I always felt that God disapproved of me, because of some area of sin. Whether it was dealing with what I watched or fed my mind, how much time I spent on computer games, or some other factor; it robbed me of joy and left me in permaguilt.
This was the case until about a year ago. A friend Scott had invited me to Door of Hope and I went. This should have been the start of healing, but it wasn't, because, I didn't take the 2 minutes to look up the bus schedule the following week. So another 6 months passed before I went back. Then I went the following week and it became a regular thing.
A few months later, I joined a community group. I had mainly been out of community for the past 9 years, and had greatly missed it. Life as a lone gun is not all its cracked out to be. Gradually, I healed as I got to share and listen to others stories in relation to their faith. I started to give up habits that were causing me regrets. Jesus started changing me and I started to believe that He really loves me, regardless of whether it was a good or bad day. I started to want to obey Him, because I loved Him. It felt so good!
Then came the end of community group and disappointment, I gave back some of the gains that I had made and fell back into old habits. The joy, which I had felt, disappeared and permaguilt returned. Computer games took a prominent role again on my time schedule, yet I longed for the closeness with God that I had started to experience previously.
However, God did not leave me in that place. New hope appeared with the new community groups that came in the fall. At first, I couldn't go because of a conflict, but as soon as I could, I started going again. A few weeks in, I gave up computer games again. Voila! I have time. I found a temporary job that I badly needed at the time, and my sleep patterns got better, though this area is not totally fixed yet. I started to try and eat healthy after about the fiftieth reminder, encouragement or admonition.
Suddenly, there were no more habitual areas of sin, that God had previously pointed out to me. Sure sin is still an area that I can briefly encounter, but as soon as it appears, I can confess it to God, and POOF! It is gone.
Which leads me to where I am now, deeply in love with God, following Jesus wholeheartedly, investing in the lives of others, and living without regrets. God is so good! Giving up the things that stand in the way of your relationships with God and others is so worth it.
Do I still have regrets? Sure, but none that I currently have are related to how I am currently living nor of my current failings. I have given them to Jesus, and He is able to bear those burdens; just as He bore the cross.
John 8:36
"If therefore the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed."
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